#WhiteGirlsRuinEverything: Kavanaugh Hearings

By September 5, 2018Real Fake News


The nomination of Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court 64 days ago sent white girls everywhere into panic mode. Starbucks tried to alleviate the hysteria by releasing the pumpkin spice latte early, but that wasn’t enough. When Kavanaugh’s confirmation hearings began this week, white girls went on red alert.

Regardless of whether they showed up to silently protest wearing Handmaid’s Tale attire, they would let their opinions be known to us all. In fact, celebrities took to Twitter to proclaim that we must #StopKavanaugh, or women everywhere will die. Planned Parenthood, a major killer of unborn women, had to chime in because they can’t have some judge accomplishing their genocidal mission.

Linda Sarsour and Piper Perabo were arrested for civil disobedience and feel they now have street cred. Lil’ Kim and Martha Stewart might think differently, as that’s only a misdemeanor. Considering the fact that they’re paid activists, I think they were just playing a role, and damn was it great acting on their part!

The worst white-girl moment of them all came when Amy Siskind tweeted that Zina Bash, a White House staffer, used a white-power symbol. This was refuted by Mrs. Bash’s husband and her friends and colleagues on social media, but what do they know? That Bash’s grandparents are Jewish immigrants from Poland, and her mother is from Mexico? Amy won’t be fooled by facts and logic. She’s an intelligent feminist, after all.

Taylor Swift continues to remain silent and could not be reached by UNN for comment.

Many sensible white girls on the right have chosen to prepare for the inevitable confirmation of Brett Kavanaugh. Twitter has various accounts that are compiling a list of “patriarchal allies” for the literal Handmaid’s Tale to come. The only qualifications for inclusion on the list are sandwich-making ability, appreciation for patriarchal oppression, and service in the Yoga Pants Commission.

If you or someone you know would like to be added to this list, please contact me, and I’ll see what I can do.

Until then, continue to enjoy the Kavanaugh hearings, because like it or not, he’ll be the next Associate Justice of the Supreme Court.


Author Boymom

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