#WhiteGirlsRuinEverything: A Week in Review

By August 8, 2018Real Fake News


New Orleans, LA – There are times when this UNN reporter is asked to investigate some of the most horrific events. This is not one of those times.

Earlier this week, I logged onto Twitter to check the news and found Anne Hathaway trending. Was she pregnant? Getting a divorce? Planning to play an actress in a movie and getting mobbed for it? No, it was for her “wokeness” or, as some might call it, her “allyship.”

In an Instagram post, she proclaimed that “black people fear for their lives daily in America,” and many saw this as stunning bravery. Others saw it as more white girls ruining everything with their racism disguised as “wokeness.”

I set out to ask real Americans how they felt about their lives, so I walked outside my house and across the street. There I spoke with several non-white people about their level of fear each day; the consensus was that I had asked them a stupid question. After explaining to my neighbors that I didn’t think they lived their lives in fear, but the chick who played CatWoman in The Dark Knight Rises thought they did, they laughed. “I hate to say it,” my neighbor Courtney Brown said with a giggle, “but sounds as if Ms. Hathaway has never been in our neighborhood, since that’s exactly what an uppity bitch would say.”

“You know,” Courtney’s husband David said with disgust, “it’s as if these white celebrities think we need them to speak for us on social media. Do they think we can’t afford WiFi or something? I don’t see any of them opening up schools like LeBron James did this week. She needs to just sit down!” I reassured them that I’m not like that at all, and we agreed I’m one of the good ones.

Later in the week, I was chatting with a source who lives in New Orleans, and I shared that Patricia Arquette wrote on Twitter that her “black friend in New Orleans” has had outright racist comments thrown at her on a daily basis after Trump was elected. My source said, “That bitch is lying. All the racism ended when Mitch Landrieu spent millions of dollars to remove Confederate monuments. We don’t even affectionately call one another the N-word anymore. Overly sensitive white people get upset when they hear it, so we decided to stop using it.”

Over the course of my week-long investigation, I found not a single person in my town who felt that these celebrities on Twitter even knew what they were talking about. In fact, many of my sources believe that some #WhiteGirlsRuinEverything, and the world would be a better place if they would stop virtue-signaling. I don’t mean to be a Negative Nancy, but those white girls probably aren’t stopping anytime soon.


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