Washington, DC – In a historic move for the White House, President Trump, best known for racist tweeting, announced a plan to discourage illegal immigration with almost no spending needed. At a press conference, he said his plan is to add a word to the dictionary. UNN was able to get only one question in during the press conference.
Trump: Instead of a wall, I have compromised with Dirty Bernie, who, by the way, I will soon put on trial, to change illegal alien in federal documents. I mean, what is an illegal alien? They aren’t from Mars! We will change official documents to use Mexican’t instead of illegal alien.
UNN: Sir, what exactly does Mexican’t mean? What good will it do?
Trump: It will let them know that if you aren’t doing it right, you need to MexiGO back to where you came from because you MexiCAN’T come here and take our jobs! I know a lot of smart people, and they are all telling me that this is a great idea, the smartest of people, everybody I know, and they know that this will work greatly, hugely.
After the press conference, UNN was able to interview two people affected by the President’s new strategy: one Mexican and one Mexican’t, both of whom will remain anonymous at their request.
UNN: How do you two feel about the new word the Trump administration plans to use?
Mexican: I think the ideas are muy bien. They will tell people that America is for people who came the right way.
Mexican’t: Bueno, pienso que la palabra nueva es racista y muy retrasada.
UNN: Please, sir, we are an English organization.
Mexican’t: Lo siento, pero hombre, solo hablo Español.
Mexican: He says sorry, but he only speaks Spanish.
UNN: If he wants to stay in this country, why doesn’t he at least learn the language and assimilate into the culture?
*Mexican acted as a translator for us here, translating our questions to Mexican’t and his answers to us.
Mexican’t: No hablo ingles porque no me gusta América. Es un país muy horrible como me dijo Hillary Clinton.
Mexican: He says that he doesn’t speak English because he dislikes America. It’s a horrible country, as Hilary Clinton told him.
UNN: Then why don’t you leave the country?
*At this point, Mexican’t ran away from this reporter, yelling, “what aboot that, eh?”
Mexican: I hope he goes back to Canada.
UNN: Why Canada?
Mexican: He must be from Canada, but he wanted to seem oppressed, so he must have learned Spanish and gotten a spray tan.
UNN: I see. Thank you very much for the interview.
Mexican: No problemo.
Clearly, the community has been negatively affected by Trump’s new racist terms. We must boycott this President who is literally Hitler. We can only pray that this level of white supremacy doesn’t reach the heights of Asian supremacy seen in noted New York Times editor Sarah Jeong.