THE SOFTENING OF FOOTBALL CONTINUES

By November 15, 2018Sports

Richmond VA

The much anticipated 2nd round playoff game between the Monacan Chiefs and Dinwiddie Generals has been moved from Monacan high school to Huguenot high school.  When we contacted the VHSL to inquire the reason for the move, an official told us on the condition of anonymity, that the change is due to the seemingly endless rain and last week’s game tore up the Monacan Chief’s home field.

We spoke with Herman Melville Campbell, who stated that he while he grew up in Wisconsin, he moved to Richmond VA to be closer to his grandchildren.  He is one of the oldest Monacan HS fans.  We asked him about his opinion of the game being moved to Huguenot’s field:   Mr. Campbell stated, “I just found out that our football game has been moved because last week the field got a little muddy, and they have moved the game to Huguenot high school’s football field because it’s made of this NEW FANGLEDY FAKE GRASS!  In my day… we played on a football field that used to be a cow pasture (true story)! And when it rained the mud smelled like Ol Bessy’s hind parts! And we LIKED IT! WE LOVED IT”!

Mr Campbell continued his rant, “When I played, the manure mud would get so deep that the smaller players would get lost, and go missing for ENTIRE DRIVES!  They couldn’t come out of the mud/manure until halftime! Otherwise, we’d get a penalty for too many men on the field! The field was so muddy half way through the 1st quarter that nobody could tell which team they were on! We just hit the person closest to us! The football game turned into a giant game of smear the queer! But these days, you can’t even say queer.  Now it’s smear the LGBTQYAAIP#3XYZDeer, which doesn’t quite roll off the tongue as well. And when the game was over, we didn’t get to go into a “LOCKER ROOM” and shower off, with hot water. We had to run 3 miles to the nearest creek, strip naked and wash our uniforms in the icy cold Wisconsin Streams! Then we rode our cows back home where we would then have to work on the farm to make up for the time we spent rolling in the mud! AND WE LIKED IT! WE LOVED IT! Kids these days are just too soft”

When asked whether Mr. Campbell will attend the game he snorted, “Of course! But I’ll make sure that everyone around me knows how I feel about it”.