Beijing, China

Yesterday, Chinese State Media reported that China’s National Space Administration had successfully landed the Yutu-2 Rover on the so-called “dark side of the moon”. Chinese State Media stated that the mission to the moon was a great success and that the mission was completed with pinpoint accuracy. The Chinese are well known for pinpoint accuracy due to their vast experience with relatively small equipment, so this comes as no surprise.

The digital images of the landing that have been released via Chinese State Media have been scrutinized in the United States by NASA as well as high ranking United States military officials. NASA officials stated that the photos look “totally credible” and the child-like animations presented to the Chinese public did not at all resemble an 8th grader’s science project filmed on an iPhone. A NASA spokesman was quoted as saying “although there is no telemetry data or any record of a rocket leaving earth’s atmosphere yesterday, we have no doubt that the Chinese have in fact landed on the dark side of the moon. We aren’t sure how they were able to do it though, as we destroyed all of our technology to complete such a mission decades ago, and despite all of the advancements in technology since, we have no idea how to get back to the moon. What the Chinese have pulled off is nothing short of a miracle.”

United States President Donald Trump was visibly shaken by the news as he watched the reports of the lunar landing. Sources close to the president said that his demeanour changed immediately as the reports rolled in. UNN was able to speak to a source close to the Oval Office that stated that “he [Trump] was on the phone to acting Secretary of Defence Patrick Shanahan within seconds of the report ending.” Our source stated that the exchange was heated and ended with Trump asking Shanahan to execute Space Force Order 67. Order 67 refers to the early initiation of the Space Force Moon-Wall program a full year ahead of schedule.

Acting Secretary of Defence Patrick Shanahan was later questioned by waiting media outside of his office about Order 67. Shanahan stated that his discussion with the president was classified, but did confirm that President Trump had requested that top level NASA officials gather in the oval office to discuss the feasibility of building a wall on the light side of the moon to keep the Chinese from crossing to “the good side of the moon.”