Sweet Home, OR – A women’s-rights activist who was recently diagnosed as a type 2 diabetic has cured herself of the disease, just by cleaning her room. Given the import of the event to medical science, her physician called a press conference. Per her request, all media present, including UNN, agreed to her anonymity, instead referring to her only as “SJW.”
SJW: Thanks for coming, everyone. As Dr. Drew said a moment ago, I really have cured myself of diabetes.
NY Times: Is that even possible – to cure your diabetes just by cleaning your room?
UNN: That sounds pretty far-fetched, if you ask me.
SJW: I couldn’t believe it either, but I am no longer using insulin, and it’s absolutely freeing to not have dependency on something else to live.
Daily Wire: So the proof is not in the pudding, so to speak. When did you realize you were cured?
SJW: When I started cleaning my room, I noticed there were candy wrappers everywhere…
MSNBC: And how did finding all those wrappers make you feel?
SJW: I felt ashamed. I couldn’t believe I was consuming so much garbage. It was literally killing me, and I was oblivious to the danger because the poison tasted so sweet. I was an addict and had to go through intense detoxification to see how much denial I was truly in.
UNN: Well, surely there were other contributing factors involved in your cure.
SJW: No, actually, it was quite simple. All I had to do was to stop ingesting all the sugar-coated crap I was being given and buying. All of my “friends” who eat candy chew me out when I try to warn them about the toxicity they keep exposing themselves to. I may have stopped the decaying of myself, but I cannot clean up the relationships with fellow “candyans” because they have become far too rotten to brush off any of their sustained ignorance. It’s all been extremely bittersweet.
UNN: But candy is so good that there’s no way you can give it up completely. And what about losing all of your friends?
SJW: I had to and I’m glad I did. I was letting them contaminate me with their poison candy, and I didn’t want to face the reality that I was part of the problem. All I could ever think about was candy, candy, candy! If I had continued down that path, it would have only soured everything in my life. Now, because I know the truth, the candy I used to love just puts a really bad taste in my mouth.
Daily Wire: Imagine that! Cleaning your room not only can save your life but also can make you a responsible human being!