Nyack, NY – Rosie O’Donnell has declared she is above the law, according to UNN’s anonymous sources among Ms. O’Donnell’s staff. Not in a washed-up, dark-haired, overweight-Steven-Seagal, Hollywood way. But actually above the law. The actress and comedienne is once again back in the headlines after having become known for making The View more “see you next Tuesday-y” and for dressing as a dominatrix in Exit to Eden, the erection-eradicating predecessor to 50 Shades of Grey.
UNN’s sources overheard her say she believes she is coming late to this game. After publicly attempting to bribe Senators Jeff Flake and Susan Collins with no repercussions, she really doesn’t think she put two and two together. She said that it really opened her eyes when she recently got away with campaign finance fraud possibly five times. She went on to cite other rich, white Liberals and claim media scrutiny doesn’t apply to them along with the law. She also stated she thanked God she is not a person of color like Dinesh D’Sousa when it comes to legality.
When UNN’s sources asked her whether prison would just be a lesbian ruby scrum dream come true, she quivered a little bit and said, “No comment.” She then went on to give a self-empowering, passionate statement about how Sandy Berger basically got away with treason and how Lois Lerner used the IRS to attack political enemies and private citizens. She said, “My biggest inspiration was our first black president, Bill Clinton, who pleaded guilty to perjury.” At the time, there were around 5,000 black Americans doing time in prison for perjury, four years on average. “But Clinton’s lack of melanin saved him from his lack of morals and ethics. He not only still got to be President, but he got all kinds of media praise. Hell, they even threw in getting away with rape as a consolation prize.”
She is now seriously contemplating all-out voter fraud, treason, and even Vince Foster/Seth Rich-style murder as long as it proves Russia/Trump collusion. When she was asked what the Department of Justice and Attorney General Sessions could do to stop this, she laughed and called them cuckolds, and UNN’s sources just had to shrug their shoulders and agree.
UNN reporters visited the O’Donnell estate, but we encountered several of her adopted children fleeing. When asked for comment, they said all they wanted to do was “get the Hell out of here.” Upon approaching the front gates, we encountered a woman pulling up in a Subaru looking strikingly like Biff Tannen from Back to the Future. She stepped out, put a dip of Skoal in, and informed us Ms. O’Donnell was not available for comment.
By ZACH HUDAK BEAR