St Louis, MO – The confirmation of alleged rapist, drunkard, and womanizer Brett Kavanaugh has been a tragedy for America, a slap in the face to survivors, and a situation resulting in national treasure Amy Schumer being harpooned by police. After these truly triggering weeks for many across the country, fears now are rising even more among women as beer sales are soaring by as much as 300% in some of the more hateful US states.
According to a survey conducted by UNN, no Democrat voter even touches alcohol, let alone imbibes to a Kavanaugh level, with some stating that they do smoke crack, but only because of Obama’s preference for the drug. Contrast that with the shockingly low 35% of Trump voters who claim they follow President Trump’s example and live a life of sobriety.
UNN sent an intern to visit a Republican-majority frat-house that was holding a “Kegs for Kavanaugh” party, something promoted by alt-Right figures like Mike Cernovich. While there, our intern reported a pleasant, respectful, jubilant atmosphere and claimed that the students in attendance were a physically and intellectually diverse group. While we have no specific reason not to believe our own intern, we are choosing to assume that he was spiked or coerced by those hosting the event.