Pelosi and Schumer: Native Americans Must Give Up Tribal Lands and Sovereignty

By October 26, 2018Real Fake News

Washington, DC – Democratic Party leaders Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer today announced in a joint news conference that they intend to sponsor legislation that will return tribal lands and resources to the control of the US government. They made it clear that they expect to take control of both the House and the Senate in the upcoming midterm elections and that they hope to have veto-proof majorities in both houses of Congress.

In response to a UNN question, Pelosi said: “Trump’s demands for a wall to protect the USA’s sovereign borders are racist and xenophobic. We can no longer ignore the fact that some Native American tribes have been engaging in this same behavior for many decades, and it must end.”

“We believe that this legislation will benefit many Native Americans,” said Schumer. “They have been living in conditions nearly as bad as those poor refugees fleeing Honduras for the safety and opportunities that we enjoy in the US. It’s time to share our privilege with those who so desperately need it.”

The Cherokee Nation’s secretary of state, Chuck Hoskin Jr., was shocked by the announcement. “We did not see this coming. Of course, we will fight this with everything we have. We don’t want to see another instance of how badly tribal nations have been treated by the US government. Is this because we rebuked Senator Warren so harshly?”

Senator Elizabeth Warren’s claims of Native American ancestry were confirmed by a DNA test, which showed that she is between 1/512 and 1/1,024th American Indian. However, the Cherokee Nation called the DNA test “useless” and “not evidence for tribal affiliation.”

Warren has refused to comment on Pelosi and Schumer’s announcement, further fueling conspiracy theories that the legislation is retaliatory in nature.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, one of Mrs. Pelosi’s neighbors told UNN that they were all worried about their gated communities being targeted by the same legislation. “We paid a lot of money to ensure our safety, and that money was lawfully taxed by the federal government. The idea that the same government would take down our gates and call us racist is ridiculous and frightening, at the same time!”

By UNN Correspondents Templar Bear and Sunflower Bear

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Author SunflowerBear

Jane of all trades, mistress of none, reformed feminist and eternal optimist.

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