Owen Benjamin Causes Pizzarrhea at Library

By September 17, 2018Real Fake News

Mooloolaba, Queensland, Australia – A protest has erupted outside of a public library over comedian Owen Benjamin’s insistence that his bike was stolen by a “person of color.”

Some protesters were unsure about their reasons for being there, but they admitted to UNN that they had been promised that there would be free pizza. When protester “G-Money” was asked why the protest was taking place outside of a library, he told UNN, “I heard Owen Benjamin is racist, and he did a show in a library.” G-Money later admitted that he didn’t know what Benjamin said that was racist, and he just rode his not-stolen bike to the library for some pizza.

A protester named Day Bracey, who flew twenty hours from Pennsylvania to attend the protest, told UNN: “I have a right to deny Owen his rights! Denying me my right to deny him his right, or to write on his alt-Right sign, is not alright, and is downright unright, right?” Bracey, shown here in a 100% authentic video, arrived at the Mooloolaba library on a sturdy bike over an hour before most other protesters and soon was escorted from the premises by police after the contents of all unattended pizza boxes near him disappeared. His bike was impounded.

Library spokesperson Suzanne Thinnes, who also flew down from Pennsylvania (to assist Mooloolaba’s sole librarian, who is unfamiliar with Benjamin’s underhanded tactics), told UNN she had to have Bracey trespassed from Mooloolaba’s library in order for there to be enough pizza for all.  “At Carnegie Library in Pennsylvania, we were completely caught off-guard. Pizza was not the problem there, but Day Bracey and other stymied protesters gave us all kinds of grief after Owen Benjamin rented out our public hall to speak about stolen bikes or something, and we accidentally told protesters that Mr. Benjamin wasn’t going to be there. Mr. Benjamin and his hundreds of attendees had a blast, from what I heard, much to the chagrin of Mr. Bracey’s group, who said we denied them their right to deny Mr. Benjamin his right to speak about someone denying his bike rights. They spent all day riding around town on supposedly-not-stolen bikes, ready to drown out Mr. Benjamin with their bike horns if they could find him.”

Counterprotester Zack Hudack also flew down from Pennsylvania. “I slept all the way. Twenty hours of sleep does a man good. You know I’m gonna outlast all these Leftist nutjob bike-riders who slept in their moms’ basements last night. But I did sleep through the in-flight meals, so now where’s the pizza?”


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