Gig Harbor, WA – This just in: breaking news from Washington State today when a new resident intentionally burned his house down and was seen yelling at people as they drove by. He screamed at each passerby: “I don’t need you! I’ll burn it all down. You’re a horrible person, and nobody likes you!”
UNN field reporter WTH was able to speak with D. B. Cooper, a neighbor who was an eyewitness to the debacle.
UNN: What happened?
Cooper: I came over to say Hi. As I came up the driveway, I noticed that the mailbox had been knocked over. You know, sometimes, things like this happen. As I walked up to my new neighbor, I introduced myself and mentioned that his mailbox was knocked over. That’s when it all started. He turned to me with an upset look on his face and just started going off about why does everyone he meets tell him his goddamn mailbox was knocked over? He started yelling that I was banned from his yard and that he was going to take my wrench. At that point, his rants were less directed at me and more directed at everything around him. He walked off yelling that he was done, and if people did not like his house because of the mailbox, he would just burn the whole thing down. At this point, he went into his garage and came out in just his underwear, with those crazy eyes people get right before they do something they are going to regret, carrying a can of gasoline. He just starts pouring gas on everything. I told him I would help fix the mailbox, but that only seemed to make him angrier. I am not exactly sure what he said, but it sounded like he said something about Germany invading Russia and that he was just following their example of a scorched-earth program. I asked him whether there was anyone in the house. He said no, they were at music lessons. He took out a match from his underwear, looked at me with a crooked smile, lit it, and tossed it. “Boom!” was the last thing I remember. I just woke up with a very nice firefighter standing over me asking me whether I was okay. He told me that I’d been out for an hour and my pyromaniac neighbor had been yelling at everyone who drove by his burning house.
UNN: Do you hope your neighbor moves after all that?
Cooper: Of course not. He seems like a really nice guy. We all have bad days and want to destroy everything in our lives that we work hard to build. I hope he just admits he had a bad moment and learns from it and grows as a person. When I see him again, I hope to invite him to my church, and I’ll offer to help him rebuild his house.
As of press time, UNN has not been able to reach the man who burned down his house, but we hope to follow up with him in the near future.