Atlantic City, NJ – Miss America, no matter how you spin it, would be much more appealing if viewers only got the chance to listen to young women with little life experience pontificate on topics of which they know only what their feminist overlords have told them. The beauty pageant is doing away with the sexiness and glamour of it all in order to be more empowering toward women.
Gretchen Carlson, Chairman of the Board of Trustees of the Miss America Organization, told UNN that the pageant will no longer be a pageant, but a competition. In order to focus solely on contestants’ ideas, the swimsuit category will be eliminated entirely and replaced by the burka round. As long as they are covered from head to toe in material, the women are free to express their own personal style. The new focus is meant to ensure that, instead of being objectified, all women will be placed on equal footing. Because nothing says equality more than all women being dressed in potato sacks with voices that seem to emanate from nowhere.
Carlson stated, “Burkas allow for greater inclusivity for women of all shapes and sizes. As we all know, every body is beautiful, but the only way to objectively judge women’s ideas is to eliminate appearance as a factor. As a role model for young women everywhere, Miss America is attempting to show that smart women should love themselves for who they are on the inside, even if their insides are made up of butter, Twinkies, and Cheetos.”
Contestants have also weighed in on the program changes. Miss New York said, “I commend Miss America for its bravery in promoting the religion of peace and its many wonderful attributes.” Miss Florida understands that the “#metoo movement could not maintain momentum without good people standing up against sexism.” Miss Mississippi simply answered, “World peace.”
These changes to Miss America will be enacted in September. Be ready to see ratings skyrocket.