Mayor Andrew Gillum to Outlaw ‘Monkey’

By September 15, 2018Real Fake News

Tallahassee, FL – Weeks ago, Mayor Andrew Gillum, now the Democrat candidate running to become Florida’s next governor, said his Republican opponent, US Representative Ron DeSantis, took “a page directly from the campaign manual” of President Donald Trump with remarks about Gillum. Amongst his remarks, DeSantis warned Florida voters not to “monkey this up” by electing Gillum. Such remarks about Gillum were widely condemned as racist.

Last week, UNN attended an impromptu news briefing held by Gillum where he announced his new campaign direction:

“It’s very clear that Mr. DeSantis is taking a page directly from the campaign manual of Donald Trump. But I think he’s got another thing coming to him if he thinks that, in today’s day and age, Florida voters are going to respond to that level of derision and division.”

The mayor went on to announce his new campaign promise if elected governor:

“All persons of society – women and men – today I pledge to end this racial rhetoric of using the word ‘monkey‘ in society. I will lead the great state of Florida in no longer using the M-word. When I take the office of governor with Florida voters’ help, all things M-word will no longer be lawful to say.”

When UNN asked why, the mayor responded:

“I’m not going to get down in the gutter with DeSantis and Trump. There’s enough of that going on. We’re going to win this race because we’re going to remain high [pause for effect], and we’re going to remind Floridians of the true power of the Democratic Party way.”

The mayor then abruptly left the podium.

In a close follow-up to the historic announcement of the nonuse of the M-Word, UNN straw-polled Floridians about the impact this will have on them. Many replied that not saying the M-word would be no different than not saying the N-word or the C-word or the F-word.

One Floridian, who happens to own Miami’s “Monkey Jungle” animal park, has already embraced the hypothetical new law of not saying the M-word and sent a photo of its new logo.

November will be one fun-filled month for Florida.

In related news, H&M seems to have received backlash yet again for its Hoodie ad slogan “Coolest M-word in the Jungle.”

 

By GRINGO BEAR
UNN Correspondent

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