Manchester University Makes Bold Move to Ban Clapping

By October 11, 2018Real Fake News

Manchester, UK – Let me set the stage: you’ve completed your time at your university, you are graduating today, you have a cap and gown, and you are about to take the stage to receive your certificate to say you have successfully completed your academic courses. Then the audience starts to slam their sweaty hands together, causing a thunderous sound to fill the air around you. This is the sheer terror that many students face on a daily basis, and Manchester University has taken necessary progressive steps to fix it.

At first, the university’s suggestion of a silent round of “jazz hands” as a solution to terror-inducing clapping was dismissed by almost everyone. The privileged majority, who lack anxiety, lack autism, and lack an inferiority complex, saw jazz hands as categorically stupid, even moronic. However, jazz hands have been a silent success, with the campus now being an entirely “applause free” zone.

Not only does this requirement protect those who are mentally unwell, but immigrants and other oppressed minorities have expressed that they agree that clapping is problematic, with the loud, rapid nature of the applause reminding them of gunfire from their home country, and triggering flashbacks. A university representative told UNN that enrollment from immigrants was up 11% in the days following the clapping ban.

Of course, with a student base of 25,000 people and roughly 250 people complaining about clapping specifically, the campus reacted swiftly to avoid any backlash on social media for oppressive or hateful behavior.

Bullying on the campus has taken a turn for the worse, though, with trolls doing public “clap offs” where they compete to see who can clap loudest and fastest. These events are being clamped down on by campus security, and students who are caught are immediately expelled.


Author BritBear

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