San Francisco, CA – The Stanford University School of Medicine has formally protested the city’s use of “Poop Patrollers” across the city.
Dr. Philip Gutman leads the school’s study and testing of fecal microbiota transplantation (FMT) and says, “We have collected thousands of samples from the streets of San Francisco for use in our studies. We require an ongoing supply of free samples, or we’ll be forced to pay student volunteers for their poop – and we just don’t have the budget for that.”
However, students at the school feel differently. Off the record, they told UNN that they hope soon to end the policy of sending students out to collect samples off the street. “This is not what I hoped to do with my time at college,” said one student. “I want to spend my time in the lab, working on important things – not searching the streets of a major American city for feces!”
Students undergo a rigorous training program before being dispatched with a supply of rubber gloves and plastic baggies. They are required to discriminate properly between human and various types of animal feces. Not all students make it through the training. One student, who wished to be identified as “SJW,” told UNN that “I couldn’t do it because they won’t allow my therapy horse to accompany me to class.”
San Franciso Mayor London Breed said that she hopes to reach some accommodation with the school to allow their studies to continue while keeping public places safe for everyone. While she is still studying the problem, she said, “If they gotta go, they gotta go!”