Dallas, TX – After many cases of serious hate crimes against him, Jared Monroe, a person who indeed is Not Gay, has decided to create a support group for himself and other individuals who are also Not Gay.
UNN asked local police whether there were any cases of hate crimes towards Not Gay people. Police Chief Joe Friday responded: “Hate crimes towards NOT gay people? No I’ve never heard of that. Isn’t that just straight people? Even so, I’ve never even heard of that or any hate crimes towards them.”
So UNN reached out to Not Gay Jared himself for an interview.
UNN: So Mr. Monroe, I understand that you are Not Gay.
Jared: No, indeed I am not. Sadly, we Not Gay people have become targets by those with high soy concentration, so I’m here to represent the nLnGnBnTnQ community.
UNN: Well that’s a mouthful. What does that new acronym stand for?
Jared: It means Not Lesbian Not Gay Not Bi Not Trans Not Queer.
UNN: Ok, so what exactly makes somebody Not Gay? Would I be Not Gay because I’m married to my wife?
Jared: Well no, you’re clearly a bulky man.* What makes somebody Not Gay is a certain type of thing – you can just tell by their posture and body size. People like myself – a queer-looking, 140-pound man – we’re Not Gay. We’re often seen as people likely to have a shank and likely to be part of Antifa. Just because we love fashion and Queen B does not mean we are gay!
[*Editor’s note: at this point Mr. Monroe started caressing the reporter’s arm]
UNN: I see, and this support group you have – has it grown since you started it?
Jared: Oh, it’s grown a ton! When we started, it was just me. Now there’s a couple of us. Literally!
UNN: Jared, we talked to a local police chief, and he said he’s never even heard of Not Gay hate crimes.
Jared: Well, that’s Not Hate speech. I have had many cases of Not Micro-aggressions towards me. For example, once I was invited to lead a pride parade. Besides, the real problem is Not Hate crimes. Hate crimes get all the attention, but nobody ever wants to talk about Not Hate crimes. Not Homophobia is a serious problem that has been plaguing society for decades. Even worse is Not Sexism. Don’t even get me started on that.
UNN: Wow. Is it that bad these days?
Jared: It’s a serious problem! There was a GAY pride parade, and I identify as NOT Gay. Completely disgusting.
UNN: Some have complained that this support group of yours is very exclusive. What do you have to say to normal LGBT people?
Jared: I don’t think you understand. This isn’t about excluding gay people. It’s simply a support group for people who are Not Gay, not for people who aren’t Not Gay. Unlike them, we don’t only stand against hate, prejudice, and homophobia, but also Not Hate, Not Prejudice, and Not Homophobia. We hope for a world united. Whether they are Not Gay or not Not Gay, I wish the world would see me for who I’m not, instead of who I’m not not. The double negativity really gets to you.
UNN: I see. We are out of time, but thank you very much for your time, Jared.
Jared: No problem. We would love to take interviews as often as possible. We need the publicity.
UNN: Ok, we’ll see you soon.
UNN found a source from inside the Not Support group who told us that he, too, is Not Gay, and he wished to share his story anonymously.
UNN: Please tell us your story.
Not Gay Person: I, too, am Not Gay, and I’m also part of the Not Support group with Jared, who is also Not Gay. One time I was at a car dealership looking for a car for my daughter. When I asked to see their best Subaru, the salesman didn’t show me anything and instead started flirting with me! Even though I told him that I’m Not Gay.
UNN: That seems like a big problem. I hope you can get more support for your group.
This Not Gay adjective seems to be an increasing problem, especially in soy-filled areas like L.A., a land where Not Gay people have recently become the minority, and the city now has the highest number of Not Hate Crimes in the nation. In L.A., even those who are Not Gay have so much soy that they blend in seamlessly with the truly not Not Gay people.
Please, if you are Not Gay and you need support, call the Not Gay Support Group at 1-800-NOT-GAY1 or email them at NotGayPeople@gmail.com.
However, use reasonable caution regardless of whether you are Not Gay or not Not Gay, as UNN has reputable sources saying that Not Gay Jared might actually be gay.