Kavanaugh’s Amazing Last-Ditch Strategy

By September 29, 2018Real Fake News

Monday, October 1, 2018

Washington, DC – In a bizarre and last-ditch effort to be confirmed as a Supreme Court Justice, Brett Kavanaugh has figuratively thrown the basketball from half-court at the buzzer. At today’s hastily assembled senate hearing to discuss with Kavanaugh and his accuser, Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, the results of the weekend FBI investigation, Kavanaugh’s ploy stunned everyone, including Dr. Ford.

What was his ploy?

Did he plead the Kevin Spacey and announce he has chosen to live his life as a gay man? No. While that is a popular choice, Kavanaugh has already pled innocent to Ford’s charge, so he cannot now play the Spacey, as Spacey himself has said Kavanaugh is almost certainly guilty.

Did he play the pussy card, announcing he is now a woman? He hasn’t run anyone over and fled the scene like Caitlyn Jenner, so he is disqualified from using this card.

His play was even more audacious. He played the D card. D as in Democrat.

“I would like to use this hearing to announce I have made a grave mistake in my career. For too long, I have followed and hitched my loyalty to the wrong group of people. It is because of recent actions that I have realized my folly, and I am here to announce that last night I officially registered as a Democrat.”

A hush filled the room. The pops of the press cameras were audible to this UNN reporter in the void like the pulse of the chamber. There were soft whispers on the Democrat side of the chamber. Visibly stunned, Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) turned to glare at Christine Ford, who accused Kavanaugh of groping her at a pool party thirty-six years ago. Or maybe thirty-five – she’s a little vague on the details. Feinstein then looked back to Kavanaugh, seated a mere 15 feet from Ford in the now-hushed room, cleared her throat, and addressed him.

“Judge Kavanaugh, I would like to express my deepest condolences to you and your family for what this bimbo has incited with this wholly unsubstantiated accusation,” Senator Feinstein said. Her words were the first of many harsh attacks from Democrats. She then turned back to speak harshly to Ford but was preempted by an even harsher voice.

“Dr. Ford, you have dragged this good Democrat through the mud with your thirty-six-year-old hearsay. That is outrageous! You can’t remember the year, but you know how hold you were. Bitch, count back from 2018!” said Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ) to Christine Ford, careful to readjust his T-shirt imprinted with the words Believe Women across the chest.

When the questioning returned to Republican senators, they sat quiet and baffled.

“You Democrat senators cannot be serious!?” said Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC), the first to break the silence. “Kavanaugh could have led a gangbang conga line as far as y’all are concerned, as long as he’s now a Democrat!”

“Have you ever engaged in sexually inappropriate actions without the consent of the woman?” Senator Chuck Grassley (R-IA) asked, attempting to return the proceedings to sanity.

Senator Booker violently interrupted Senator Grassley: “Who hasn’t! Let the innocent throw the first stone!” Booker then stood on his chair and announced to the world, “I am Kavanaugh!”

Booker’s stunt was parroted by other senate Democrats. Feinstein, Mazie Hirono (D-HI), and all other senate Democrats stood on their chairs and announced they were also, in fact, Kavanaugh.

“I am Kavanaugh! I am Kavanaugh!” they chanted.

“I am really disgusted by your lack of principle and self-serving hypocrisy. Hearing closed!” Senator Grassley said dismissively, rolling his eyes at the Democrats’ theatrics.

It wasn’t just judicial-committee Democrats who made this 180-degree turn. The media and media pundits also took to the news to ask the questions they hadn’t been asking. Just like the Twilight Zone that Judge Kavanaugh last week had said we were living in, CNN surprised its viewers.

“Who drove her home?” Don Lemon asked disbelievingly in a CNN segment with Jeffrey Toobin. “She claims to have run from the house after the incident and soon arrived back home. By her own estimation, it was a twenty-minute drive to her house, and she claims she was driven home by someone else because she was fifteen at the time and did not drive yet. Who drove her? She had just run out of the house terrified for her life, the wound fresh, unable to hide her fear. The driver would be a witness to the testament of her emotional demeanor and mental state. Why has the driver not come forward or even been named?”

“The fact that the three major accusations against Kavanaugh share similarities, and the third uses details from what had already been public, is highly suspicious,” Toobin said in relative agreement with Lemon.

Toobin continued: “Regardless of how many accusations there are, they need to be evaluated independently. When you have a case so eerily prepared and calculated, you need to pause and assess the facts. When none of the claims of either accuser hold up even to light scrutiny, let alone to hard questions, they don’t lend credibility to each other. They lend credibility to the notion that this is a conspiracy.”

“One moment, please. There appears to have been a stunning development –” Toobin said, visibly excited. “Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and Minority Leader Chuck Schumer have called a joint press conference. They just announced that all 100 US Senators have voted aye, confirming Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court! They added that this is the first time in US Senate history that there has been a completely unanimous vote for any Supreme Court justice, and justice itself has prevailed.”

The power of the D card.


UNN Correspondent


Author UnbearableNews

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