Ottawa, Canada – “What a beautiful day.” We’ve all uttered this phrase at one time or another, but did you realize that what you said is inherently racist? You probably didn’t even notice your micro-aggression, possibly due to your toxic masculinity. That is why it’s time to ban weather. The sooner we do, the sooner we can protect ourselves. The UNN weather team’s weather reports used to be produced in Toledo, Ohio, and for years we never noticed the alt-Right racism, xenophobia, and cultural appropriation that comes from the weather. Recently, the UNN weather team has been forced to relocate and cover the weather from the newly minted Storm Tracker Center in downtown Ottawa, Ontario, Canada. Ever since the move, our eyes have been opened and our lips sealed thanks to Canadian Broadcast Media laws and standards. UNN weather reporters will no longer be using language like “it will be a beautiful day” or “it’s pouring rain,” due to the racist overtones within the weather itself. This is why on behalf of the UNN weather team we offer our deepest apologies to anyone who may have been offended in the past.
When we here at UNN recently attended a mandatory course provided by Canadian Language Integration Training (CLIT), we were provided with examples of weather racism that simply cannot be denied.
Firstly, when speaking about the rain, we must acknowledge that the rain carries implicit racial prejudices. For example, blacks are unable to sell drugs on the street or commit acts of larceny while it’s raining. This is clearly culturally insensitive, as these are the main sources of income for the black community in North America. Rain also causes flooding, which is extremely racially insensitive, as we all know that black people cannot swim. The racism doesn’t end there.
When speaking about sunny days, we must recognize those among us living with xeroderma pigmentosum and also ginger nut cunts, as neither group can tolerate sunlight, and it is unfair to them to have to suffer each time the sun shines and we proclaim it to be “a good day to get outdoors” or “perfect weather.” This is unfair to all ginger-pubed Orangutans including especially the Irish and Scottish.
Tornadoes are one of the most violent, targeted, and hateful weather events known to man, essentially the Black Lives Matter of the weather world. It has become very clear that tornadoes practice reverse racism, or “diversity,” because they are clearly anti-white. Tornadoes specifically pick out the most vulnerable white people that they can find and systematically destroy their lives.
But while tornadoes are problematic, snow may be the most racist weather phenomenon of all. Snow is always white, never colored. Snow implies that it’s not ok to be different, and that is not acceptable. Snow isn’t just racist; it’s also xenophobic. When speaking about snowfall, it is imperative that we do not speak about shoveling driveways, eating yellow snow, or ploughing people out, as this is a clear case of cultural appropriation for our friendly, language-restricted neighbors to the north. Yes, the Canadians (or as they requested us to call them by their preferred pronouns: “snow monkeys, ice backs, syrup suckers, donut munching lumberjacks, beaver slinging oil riggers, moose riders, figure skating puck jugglers, or border huggers”), they feel that we appropriate their culture when speaking about snowfall in such flippant terms.
These examples of racism and cultural appropriation are enough for this reporter to conclude that it is indeed time to ban weather.