Lakewood, CO – The Supreme Court’s narrow ruling in the Masterpiece Cakeshop vs. Colorado Civil Rights Commission case has had several unexpected consequences.
In the case, a gay couple drove several miles out of their way past many bakery shops that would have baked them a cake for their gay wedding. They chose a Christian baker instead, Jack Phillips, making his life a living hell and justly calling media attention to their brave cause and to themselves. After winning in the Supreme Court, Phillips refused yet another cake request, this time to celebrate an even nobler cause: a gender transition. Colorado rightly claimed discrimination again, and Phillips sued again. It’s truly astonishing that the man has time to run a bakery, given how much time he wastes harassing society’s oppressed.
Many Christian bakers across America have seen this circus of crazy and the mounting legal expenses and decided that there may be an easier and less expensive way to take care of future problems they may face when flouting their religious beliefs. Their tactic, oddly, ties into the military.
One cowardly military general told UNN, of course only with guaranteed anonymity: “With the election of President Trump and the removal the of the limp-wristed geisha boy Obama, the American military had our Obama-imposed handcuffs removed, and we were able to quickly defeat ISIS. This lead to an increased unemployment rate for ISIS fighters and their need to find new jobs.”
Many Christian bakers then saw this as “an opportunity to kill two tofu turkeys with one nerf ball,” as one of them put it. The plan that will be rolled out in the near future is for Christian bakers to hire former ISIS members to do face-to-face interviews on the bakery roof with anyone ordering a nontraditional cake. One former ISIS member told UNN, “It will be great to continue my work in America,” and then shot his rifle several times into the air, screaming something in Arabic.