Grindr Sues ‘The Morning Grinders’ over Mental Anguish

By June 6, 2018Real Fake News

 

Hollywood, CA – Earlier today, Grindr announced that it would be suing the alt-Right CRTV program The Morning Grinders for the mental anguish it has caused to Grindr patrons. UNN obtained an exclusive interview with Grindr spokesperson Mr. Chiseled.

UNN: What brought about this lawsuit?

Grindr: We keep getting email after email from men trying to find the Grindr web site or app and instead having The Morning Grinders come up in their search results. When they ask Alexa to go to the Grindr web site, she instead starts playing an episode of The Morning Grinders from YouTube.

UNN: Can you give any more details?

Grindr: I would like to share with you an email we received that really shows the need for us to do something about this.  A Grindr user named “Prime Meat Minister of Love JT” wrote in from Canada to share his experience:

I am not sure what exactly happened that morning. I remember getting ready for my day at the gym to work out and meet some new friends in the locker room. I remember being in a good mood because I had just bought some new baby oil. I was hoping to try it out with my new just-met casual friends in the locker room. I remember saying to Alexa, “I need my morning coffee, and go to Grindr.” Instead of my normal Grindr app opening, a YouTube video I had never seen before started playing. I saw the title The Morning Grinders and thought maybe this was a new channel featuring all the new men who were signing up on the Grindr app. As I watched, my worst nightmare started to emerge from my television. It started off with this malnourished child stating he was not gay, which was fine with me because I like my people rock hard, and this person is lucky to weigh 100 pounds with two bricks in his pockets. Next, they showed some person trapped in a microwave, and he kept beeping. I thought that at least Grindr is not discriminating – everyone needs some loving. But then he appeared on my screen. It was Gerald Morgan, Jr. I was breathless. I had finally met the man of my dreams. With his big, strong arms and his bottle of cheap red wine, I just sat there getting lost in fantasy after fantasy. After I came to my senses, I immediately picked up my phone and opened up my Grindr app and looked for his profile. It felt like forever – just scrolling and looking but never finding him. I had never been in this much mental anguish before in my life. Please, if anyone knows how to get ahold of Grrr Captain Morgan, Jr., please send me a link to his Grindr account.

Hugs and Slaps,

Prime Meat Minister of Love JT from Canada!

UNN: Was that typical of the complaints you’ve received?

Grindr: After receiving thousands of these letters, we are left with only two choices: The Morning Grinders changes its name, or Gerald Captain Morgan, Jr. signs up for Grindr and stops the mental anguish he has caused to all these men. The choice is up to him, but we hope he goes with the second one!

UNN reached out to Mr. Morgan for comment. He informed us he is weighing his choices between The Minister of Love and pot-smoking chicks.

DalekBear

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