West Hollywood, CA – An anonymous spokesperson for the West Hollywood Lesbian and Gay Alliance Board has announced the initiation of fundraising efforts to benefit their beloved award recipient, Kathy Griffin.
Griffin received the coveted “Rainbow Key Award” from the city of West Hollywood for her years of tireless commitment to being gay and generally believing gay people are super-awesome. She raised $5 million for LGBTQ activism, which seems like a lot, but Griffin later told UNN: “Activism is expensive! Five million bucks won’t cover the cost of some stuff that we activists really need to keep on activism-ing.”
Microseconds after delivering a powerful acceptance speech, Griffin stepped away from the podium and lit into Ivanka Trump on Twitter for shamelessly thinking about people struggling with depression. “You’re all talk, Feckless,” Griffin tweeted with one hand while high-fiving Samantha Bee with the other.
The West Hollywood Lesbian and Gay Alliance Board issued the following statement:
We applaud Kathy for her ambidexterity and enthusiastic support. The WHLAGAB is immensely grateful to her. She has accomplished amazing things without so much as a smidgen of self-awareness. It occurs to us that, as great as Kathy Griffin is already, she would be even better with a soul. Kathy has politely refused a soul on account of being an atheist but has agreed to allow us to establish a GoFundMe campaign in her name with proceeds going to purchase a modicum of decency.
In deference to Kathy’s Godless worldview, we will be purchasing only minimum level respectability. She isn’t going to display the compassion or selflessness of a saint. Kathy will still be Kathy! But we think Americans will find her more appealing if she represents herself more like a human being and less like a demonic harpy.
Oprah and George Clooney have each pledged $500,000 toward the cause with the understanding that any leftover funds be used to at least try to do something with Roseanne.