Mother’s Day Is Vitally Irrelevant

Maypearl, TX — In a week when most people are pulling last-minute favors with Daily Wire advertisers, UNN takes the time to celebrate celebration — what was once known as Mother’s Day.

Today, UNN commemorates mothers of all shapes, sizes, races, religions — and genders, of course — by interviewing some notable mothers.

“I’ve taken great pride in raising my three, perfect, imaginary daughters, after leaving my family four years ago,” beams 32-year-old Stephokneee Wolscht, previously 6-year-old Stefonknee Wolscht, previously 55-year-old Paul Wolscht. “I couldn’t imagine life without them, now that I’ve already imagined them!”

“I think all mothers deserve praise for their hard work,” said Patricia Dunderhead, gender-neutral mother of six high school drop-outs. “Benji is making big bank with his entrepreneur enterprise ‘Weed in the Street,’ and sweet little Sandra is bringing home boys every day! I couldn’t be more proud, as I often yell at them every few minutes. High standards restrict happiness! That’s what I tell my little ones.”

“I take pride in being the best mother possible while keeping up with all my hobbies!” insisted Wilhelmina Smith. “Just today, I defended the mothers in the margins on Facebook. Some ‘do-gooder’ mom who I’ve recently unfriended had this stupid little post with her perfect little children surrounding her and smiling, saying something about ‘raising her children in the Lord’ and ‘daily sacrificing for them.’ I made sure to remind her that some mothers don’t choose that lifestyle, and that she shouldn’t imply most did! I then told her to stop being so judgmental and also stop indoctrinating her children. For me, sending my children to school and letting them do hobbies all day will keep them occupied and ensure I don’t indoctrinate them!”

“I make sure to raise my non-conformist offspring in the freest possible atmosphere,” said Andrea Androgynous. “No boundaries, no rules, no limitations! My soaughter [son/daughter] Avery, if he were still here after not intuitively knowing he shouldn’t run into traffic, would certainly agree with me! I raise all of my more feminine offspring to be brave, independent women! … or men … or neither!”

After the inspiring words of these brave women and/or nonwomen, respectively, you can be inclusive and wish all your female or nonconforming role models a very Happy You Exist Day!

Blindfold Bear

Author Blindfold Bear

Woman identifying as a bear. Reads way too much.

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