Extreme Consent

By September 11, 2018Real Fake News

UNN Op-Ed

In light of the recent revelation about sexual assaults, many guys are wondering when Yes means Yes and are looking for a form of positive consent which will allow them to have sex with women without accidentally raping them. Recent scholarship has highlighted an ancient eastern practice of “Extreme Consent” that, if practiced, may reduce consent-related issues.  Warning: The following practices are still considered very controversial.  Please use caution before adopting them.

Step 1 – Find Someone

Before any of the advice found herein can be practiced, you will need to find at least one other person who may be willing to participate.  Do not worry yet about obtaining consent, as that is the purpose of the process.  If at any point during the process your partner(s) wish to discontinue, you can always start the process again with fresh blood.  When originally practiced, this form of consent was practiced between two members of opposing sex.  Scholars hotly debate how necessary these confines are, but readers are encouraged to adapt this step to however best fits their lifestyle.

Step 2 – Get to Know Your Partner

After you have found someone, spend a little time getting to know the person.  While this is not strictly required, many believe it will improve long-term felicity.  Scholars have different opinions about how long this period should last, but it can be as short as a few months or as long as several years.  During this time some participants indulge in sexual activity by obtaining lesser forms of consent, but generally this practice is discouraged.  First, such practices inherently come with the risk of accidental rape.  Second, if you are going to use lesser forms of consent, then why bother with the process of Extreme Consent?

Step 3 – Ask

After completing the preliminary steps, you are finally ready to get down to business.  The ask stands as the first big challenge.  If you have spent considerable time on Step 2 (and if your partner knows the secret of the process), your partner may already be anticipating your ask.  You may be able to tell whether this is the case by dramatically getting down on one knee to tie your shoe or pick something off the ground, as this pose conforms with the traditional ideal for the ask.  More on this later.

Extreme Consent is ultimately about consent making the ask an incredibly important part of the process, even though in a later step the answer here will need to be further confirmed.  The ancients understood the importance of this, and the scholarship brims with clever ways they made a fairly common phrase special.

The diverse methods of submitting the proposal share some important common elements.  First, the askers endeavor to set up an emotional mood in a memorable setting.  Next, they assume the posture, kneeling with one knee on the ground.  Then, they give a short speech about why they want to enter into a pact of Extreme Consent with their special someone.  Finally, while asking the question, they produce an article of jewelry.

The scholarship puts immense importance on the piece of jewelry.  Commonly a ring, scholars agree that participants expect it to be a piece of considerable worth.  The band prominently displays a gemstone, often a diamond.  The participant who receives this gift, if the Extreme Consent proposal is accepted, spends an inordinate amount of time gazing at this gemstone over the next few days.

Step 4 – The Ceremony

Having obtained an initial level of consent, your next step is filling out paperwork and preparing for a formal ceremony.  This rite can range from a public spectacle to a secret conclave.  The bare minimum for true Extreme Consent requires the presence of only the participants, someone to officiate, and someone to bear witness.  However, the participants often wish to make a party out of it, sharing the important event with the important people in their lives.

Traditional ceremonies begin with several rituals involving family or friends of the participants.  Music and speeches punctuate the proceedings from start to finish.  Especially festive celebrations will, usually after a change of venue, host feasts with massive cakes and dance parties with special memorial dances.  Lavish decorations and gifts for the attendees increase costs of an event already considered expensive, so in some cases, participants make more humble arrangements.

Regardless of the trappings, the participants share a vow of Extreme Consent.  More than just being “Yeah, I am okay with this,” these vows promise a complete giving of oneself to another.  In addition to the (generally implicit) agreement to engage in sexual activities together, participants vow companionship and love until one of them dies.  This is the secret of Extreme Consent.  Not only will you have sex together, but you promise to treat this person as an extension of yourself. You will care for the person as you care for yourself.  This is not a commitment to take on lightly.

Step 5 – The Aftermath

Having completed the ceremonial aspects of the arrangement, participants often go off on sex vacations to “seal the deal.”  Around this time, they will also move in together, if they were still living apart.  Sometimes, participants will even change their legal names in a symbolic representation of the change their oath has had on them.

Extreme Consent is more than a single vow.  Every day presents dozens of opportunities to break or fulfill the vow for the participants.  However, if the participants fulfill the vows and continue in open honesty, they can be sure that they will not accidentally rape each other.

 

By STARVING CODE BEAR
UNN Correspondent

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