Los Angeles, CA – In an unprecedented decision today, Ben Shapiro shut down The Daily Wire and announced he will be converting his company into The Daily Weather. UNN sat down for an exclusive interview with Mr. Shapiro.
UNN: What brought on this quick and decisive change to your very successful company?
Ben Shapiro: Well, more and more people kept finding out about the power the Jews hold over the weather. I ran the numbers and found we would make more gold shekels changing the weather instead of selling asbestos-laden tumblers. Also, I’m not sure who let out one of the longest and best-kept Jewish secrets, but we will find them.
UNN: Now that the secret is out, can you share with UNN’s readers when the Jews started to be able to change the weather?
Ben Shapiro: A lot of people like to point to Moses and the parting of the sea as the first recorded weather-controlling event by a Jew, but the truth is that it goes back to Noah.
Noah made a deal with God. “I’ll spend 100 years building this huge boat like you’re asking me to, and you let the Jews rule the world and control the weather.” God said, “Cool.” So Noah built the boat, then used his new powers to deluge the world with rain, killing everyone in the flood. You see, an even bigger secret is that we are actually all part Jewish. As time went on, many of Noah’s ancestors forgot that they had the power to control the weather, except for the line of Jacob, who would come to have his name changed to Big Daddy Jew or Israel, depending on how you translate the Hebrew word.
UNN: So are there any examples of Jews controlling the weather in modern times you can point to?
Ben Shapiro: Sure. You never see me and my family standing in the rain at Disneyland, do you? You ever wonder why Israel is a paradise and all the surrounding countries are deserts?
UNN: So how do you plan on making gold shekels off your ability to control the weather?
Ben Shapiro: “Well, to get full access to changing the weather, you’re going to want to go on over to The Daily Weather and subscribe for just 99 shekels a month and get this, the greatest of all weather-protecting devices, my Leftist Teardrops Umbrella! This is just the greatest umbrella you’ll ever find! The umbrella will read the desired weather you want through your handle and then transmit it to a secret location where a team of Jews will perform a sacred ritual and cause the weather to be exactly … how … you … want … it!
(WARNING: umbrella may contain asbestos)
Photos courtesy of BrumBear