Cape Town, SA – UNN has learned that a South-African-based private security company is now offering a new product to help aid in the safety of South African farmers. B&E Security is discreetly marketing “23 and Mixed” as a genealogy test guaranteed to show that you are actually 63% black. There is also a platinum service that will show that you have a direct genetic relation to Nelson Mandela.
B&E has begun looking to expand into American markets. They have prototypes called “23 and Cherokee,” marketed to supporters of Elizabeth Warren, and “23 and Migrant,” marketed to supporters of Beto O’Rourke, both of which will be available to those who need minority status to qualify for affirmative-action programs. They are also working on an anti-gefilte fish oil supplement to make Andrew Dice Clay actually Italian.
While UNN doubts the success of this enterprise, we also applaud the ingenuity of B&E’s progressive, entrepreneurial spirit.
By ZACH HUDAK BEAR