Gig Harbor, WA – Far-Right comedian Owen Benjamin, well-known for intense spirals against the “wrenches” on his YouTube/iTunes podcast series The Bear Stream and Why Didn’t They Laugh?, was recently arrested in his home state of Washington for holding more than two arrows at once. Seattle police had gotten an anonymous tip that Benjamin was hunting in his backyard with three arrows in his quiver. A SWAT team was dispatched and arrived at Benjamin’s house within 10 minutes and then promptly took him down, but not before he was able to mercilessly murder a full family of “mates” (his slang for tomatoes) with his third arrow. This crime could have been prevented if only he had followed the law against high-capacity, semi-assault quivers. UNN was able to get an exclusive interview with Benjamin before his trial.
WARNING: Benjamin’s speech is hateful; we recommend caution to those with high soy concentrations.
UNN: So as we understand it, Mr. Benjamin, you were arrested at your house for carrying a high-capacity, semi-assault quiver while hunting.
Benjamin: Yeah, they were recently banned in Washington State by a bunch of fucking – sorry, I’m trying not to curse too much; I don’t want my son to hear – OK, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, so these soy-boys passed a law banning the carrying of more than two arrows at a time.
UNN: Yes, so why didn’t you follow the law?
Benjamin: Because that’s total bullshit; that just makes no sense. What if I need to fucking defend my family from three guys? What if they are illegal immigrants? Am I even allowed to hurt them anymore?
UNN: First of all, the new term is “Mexican’t.” Secondly, you shouldn’t be attacking or trying to kill people with your bow.
Benjamin: So I just have to sit there and watch them kill my family? I can’t do that. I’d rather die miserably than let them take my family.
UNN: Maybe you shouldn’t have had a family then. As you know, there is a large overpopulation problem right now.
Benjamin: No, my family is great. If you tell me not to have a family, that’s fucking socialism! Socialism is retarded, and it always leads to starvation and genocide! This is just another step towards absolute government power, like everything else the Left does.
UNN: Sir, I’m sorry, but we here at UNN prefer to use the term “R-word” or “mentally differently abled.”
Benjamin: What’s the R-word? Reckless? Ridiculous? Rowing?
UNN: Mr. Benjamin, please! You know which R-word you just now said. Anyway, that’s all the time we have. I’m sorry, sir, but we can’t let you espouse any more hate-speech.
Owen Benjamin will be prosecuted by a small, Not Gay child on roller skates named David Hogg, who wants to put Benjamin behind bars for many years. Hogg believes that Benjamin’s use of a dangerous fully-semi-assault-automatic-high-capacity weapon is the reason for a higher rate of mass shootings in recent history. We can only hope that Hogg is successful in locking up this tomato murderer.
Now that Washington State has taken the first step towards reducing bow violence, we can only hope that the federal government follows suit and allows us to give up our bows… It’s time.
By VIKING BEAR and MEDIUM BEAR