Chainsaw Massacre

By August 17, 2018Real Fake News

Seattle, WA – An Emida man was rushed to a hospital with horrific wounds today in a freak logging accident.  Dan Eichorn, 37, was taken by rescue helicopter this afternoon to Seattle Grace Hospital in a desperate attempt to save his limbs. Mr. Eichorn is an arborist by trade and was trying out his new Quad-Chopter™, made by DroneSaw Industries. Essentially, Mr. Eichorn was attempting to use a remote-controlled drone to cut tree branches in an old-growth forest.

Locals watched in disbelief as Mr. Eichorn attempted to use his newly purchased equipment. “That boy has to have a screw loose. Either that or he is a genius – well maybe not a genius, considering how things turned out,” local homeowner Bill Bruxall told UNN. “It was so windy, but that boy just set to work trying to fly that drone up near the crowns of my neighbors’ pines. The wind kicked up right as he hit the switch that turned on the saw. The rest was just horrific.”

The Quad-Chopter that was being flown by Mr. Eichorn was a concept machine developed by DroneSaw Industries, a subsidiary of Owen Benjamin, Inc. When UNN contacted Owen Benjamin, Inc., we were forced to leave repeated messages on something called “The Bear Phone.” We never received a call back from Owen Benjamin, Inc.

UNN spoke to drone expert James Tedesco, who was appalled that anyone would attempt a stunt such as this. “These things aren’t meant to bear loads as heavy as a chainsaw! This was only going to end in catastrophe.”

UNN understands that Mr. Eichorn will undergo penis reattachment surgery in Seattle on Thursday. There is a long waiting list currently for the surgery due to a recent recruitment drive by Antifa Seattle.


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