Berlin, Germany – Following years of the phrase “oppression Olympics” being spouted off by bigots as if it were an accurate representation of the Left viewing the lives of minorities as being some sort of tiered system, this phrase has finally been co-opted by the German government after a LGBTQIIA+ political pressure group sent a proposal to Angela Merkel herself. Now there will be an actual Oppression Olympics. It will be quite similar to the Paralympics; however, it won’t focus solely on the participants having mental or physical disabilities, or even sporting and athletic prowess.
It goes without saying that the straight-white-male community is banned from all proceedings. A spokesperson for that community played it off nonchalantly, telling UNN, “We wouldn’t have attended anyway.”
The activist group “2-Involved” has put together the timetable for the Oppression Olympics and released a statement regarding changes to the scoring systems. Speaking at the launch party, the founder of the group, Emmy Grant, had this to say:
“We at 2-Involved, in association with the Christian Democratic Union, will be holding the Oppression Olympics. These games will show the West that every person has something to contribute, and that is why instead of having just Gold, Silver, and Bronze medals, we will be adding more medals. So the tier will now be: Platinum, Gold, Silver, Bronze, Copper, Titanium, Tungsten, and a collection of stainless-steel participation awards.”
Behind Emmy on a gigantic screen, a list of the sports appeared, with details of each of the new events and their participants:
- Refugee Triathlon – An adapted triathlon which includes swimming in an ocean, chain-link fence hurdles, and finally a dash to the finish line across a sandy, muddy, gravel-laden terrain.
- Trans-Gender Catwalk – This will see trans competitors having to strut their stuff on a catwalk, with points awarded for grace, style, outfit, speed of outfit change, and bonus points awarded for number of genders portrayed.
- Protest Slalom – Unlike the traditional slalom, this will see competitors running between different protests which will be ongoing. They will be scored on quality of chant, picketing, and speed, with points deducted if they stop at any protestors with tiki torches.
- Virtue Signaling – A one-on-one sport in which two people enter a ring and must disprove the opponent’s claim to be morally upstanding. White girls are allowed to compete but do so with a 10-point handicap.
- 10-Tweet Dash – Competitors will be given 2400 characters in which to prove that they are the wokest. Points will be awarded based on: facts, call-outs, mentions, emoji use, how “lit” they are, and finally on the responses they receive, with bonus points for each triggered Conservitard.
- Mental Gymnastics – Participants will be presented with a harmful statement, such as “Stronger borders make a better nation,” and will have to present counterarguments. They will be scored on how they tackle the argument, as well as their ad-hominem skills.
The first Oppression Olympics is scheduled to be broadcast next week. Online hate forum 4chan has begun creating mocking memes and has announced their own “Alphalympics” consisting of a series of games based around traits associated with toxic masculinity.