DEAR MAULEEN: I, like most of the country, have been glued to the Kavanaugh hearings. I’ve been very impressed with Christine Blasey Ford. She managed to come up with accusations that could never be proved, succeeded in delaying the vote for Kavanaugh, and earned herself a big paycheck. I’ve been inspired by her and am trying to think of someone with a high enough profile who I could accuse of something inappropriate. I have a lot of student loans to pay off, and I’d love to buy a new house. I’m thinking I could target Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham, or maybe Kanye. Obviously, I need to think of someone on the Right; I wouldn’t want to target my side, and if it were someone on the Left, no one would care anyway. Do you have any ideas for who or even what I could accuse the person of?
Fortune-Hunter in Gold Bar, Washington
DEAR FORTUNE: You have got to be kidding me. You’re joking, right? If not, you’re a vile, evil scumbag! What you are suggesting is illegal. The fact that it’s defamatory is just the tip of the iceberg you’re planning to steer into! Have you heard of fraud? Our justice system is broken enough without hags like you jumping in with fake accusations just to try to achieve some sort of sick payback or payday! Women like you are the reason it’s so difficult for real victims to come forward and get justice for their real trauma. With so many men falsely accused, the women who are true victims have to endure re-living their assaults all over again. If you have loans to pay back or things you want to buy, try doing it like an honest person and work for it.
DEAR MAULEEN: Me and my buddies tried to score some weed the other day, but we ended up with a bunch of oregano. Do you think it would be noticed if we sold it as bud so we could go pick up the real thing?
Stone-Cold-Sober in Colorado Springs
DEAR STONE: You’re an idiot. It sounds like you could probably use a break from the bud. Give those brain cells a chance to function properly for a while. Maybe get a job so you can afford to purchase your weed. What is with the freeloaders this week? You’ll appreciate what you have a lot more if you would work for it like a normal person!
Do you have a question you’d like to ask Mauleen? Send your questions or comments to firstname.lastname@example.org
UNN barely advises using any tips in Bearly Advisable. If you need help, seek a professional.