DEAR MAULEEN: I made up a story about this guy I used to know. I made sure it was vague enough so no one could prove anything one way or the other. I just wanted to make sure he wouldn’t get hired for a position he is applying for. I took a polygraph to help bolster my story. I know they aren’t accurate and are really easy to pass, but most people don’t know that, so I figured it would make it more likely people would just believe me. The problem is that now I’m being pushed to testify under oath. Of course I can’t, so I’ve been demanding ridiculous things like an FBI investigation and pushing for the guy to testify first so he won’t know what he’s defending against. I even tried to say I’m afraid to fly, but they offered to come to me. How can I get out of testifying without admitting I made it all up?
Pants-on-Fire in Palo Alto
DEAR PANTS: Women like you make me sick. There is nothing funny about false accusations, and making stories like this up to ruin someone’s life is disgusting. You make it harder for real victims and ruin the lives of good people for no reason other than your own selfish narcissism. You should admit you have been lying as soon as possible, but I’m sure you won’t. Alternatively, you could put an end to it by saying you aren’t sure about the details or even the identity of your “assailant.” I am appalled at how many people are actually taking your story seriously! You need to put an end to this.
DEAR MAULEEN: People are continuously publishing hit pieces on my friends. They are always misleading and contain false narratives. That’s not really my problem, though. My friends are fellow YouTube creators, some with smaller channels than mine! Despite the fact that I’ve been publishing regular videos for years and collaborate at least twice a week with one of the regular targets of these hit pieces, I’m never included. I’m a straight, white male, so I would fit perfectly with their narratives! At this point, it’s become a meme that I’m always excluded. Do you have any ideas to get my channel some attention from these activist journalists?
Overlooked in West Bend
DEAR OVERLOOKED: Since several of your friends are being targeted, perhaps if you reached out to some of them to do more collaborations with, you could get more attention. I’m not really sure why you want to be included in these hit pieces, though. My understanding is that these are an attempt to discredit and deplatform people. Look at the bright side. If you keep being ignored, you will still have a platform when the rest are silenced. That will enable your message to still get out to people. I understand why you feel left out, but that may be a good thing in the long run.
Do you have a question you’d like to ask Mauleen? Send your questions or comments to firstname.lastname@example.org
UNN barely advises using any tips in Bearly Advisable. If you need help, seek a professional.