Bearly Advisable: Woke dating and Battling Christmas

By December 3, 2018Advice

DEAR MAULEEN,
I consider myself a beautiful heterosexual woman. I am successful in my career and it is empowering. Only problem is when I think I find the right man and things get intimate, they tell me they aren’t homosexual. I’m not either, when will these men realize some women have penises?
Sincerely,
Transcendant in Tacoma

 

 

DEAR TRANSCENDANT,
I feel for you, I really do. You’ve unfortunately deluded yourself and you expect the rest of us to do the same. Whether you feel like it on the inside, your penis on the outside proves the fact that you are a man biologically. Save yourself some heartache and be honest with your dates. You might be surprised to know there are some straight men who will suck dick. Don’t believe me? Ask Dwight Howard.

 

 

 

 


DEAR MAULEEN,
I recently called my local radio station to tell them how problematic “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” was in the #metoo era. They did the right thing, agreed with me and removed the song from their playlist. Several people who know I called have told me I am being melodramatic. We need to get rid of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer too because it glorifies bullying and racism. When will people realize that the only way to celebrate Christmas is to change it entirely?

Concerned in Cleveland

 

DEAR CONCERNED,

I know you think this helps people but it doesn’t. You see, there was nothing wrong with that song at all. Quit being so offended by every little thing and maybe you’ll have a Merry Christmas. Perhaps you were asleep in 2016 but Donald Trump won the War on Christmas when he was elected and we honor his sacrifice by singing carols and baking gingerbread every year. “Baby It’s Cold Outside” is a cute song about a woman who doesn’t want society to judge her because she stays a little longer than she should at her boyfriend’s house. There was a time when women really were slut shamed, if anyone found out you weren’t a virgin they referred to you as “fast” or a “floozie.” We have come a long way since then, women can work and raise families now. If feminists would focus on how fortunate women in western civilization are and start fighting on behalf of women in Arab countries under real oppression, you might actually bring “Joy to the World.”

Do you have a question you’d like to ask Mauleen? Send your questions or comments to mauleenlowd@gmail.com

UNN barely advises using any tips in Bearly Advisable. If you need help, seek a professional.

Read the last Bearly Advisable.

Boymom

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