Washington, DC – Fascists are everywhere! Thank God that American citizens can rest easy knowing that there are heroes standing up for them on the front lines. These vegetable-fuelled champions, clad in black-hooded sweatshirts, have taken to the streets from their parents’ basements and dorm rooms alike. These Left-wing revolutionaries have taken up the fight where the United States military left off in the 1940s. They are the citizen army known as Antifa.
According to Antifa Intellectuals Researching How Every American Democrat Succeeds (AIRHEADS), Fascism has reached epidemic proportions across the United States since the election of Donald Trump. To provide some historical context to this rampant Fascism that has become the new norm on America’s streets, UNN interviewed AIRHEADS about how Fascists historically have gained power.
UNN: Historically, how has Fascism worked its ugly head into unwary nations?
AIRHEADS: Fascists take power in a two-step process. First, a group emerges that is angry with an election result or with the way a country is being run. This group then begins to use militant tactics to wear down and/or force the general populace to give in to its demands. This sounds exactly like the unhinged Conservatives across America who have not accepted the result of the 2016 election and have since begun using militant tactics and intimidation to push their agenda.
UNN: Indeed! And what does Antifa do about that?
AIRHEADS: This is where the valiant warriors of Antifa are so important in the fight against the Fascists who have been operating unchecked for two years. Since Donald Trump became the 45th President of the United States, Antifa has acted to protect citizens from the Conservatives who have been using militant tactics to force us to accept their cause every day.
UNN: These true American heroes of Antifa – are they born, or are they created through acts of valor such as punching evildoers like Lauren Southern or Faith Goldy or throwing rocks at elderly Conservative monsters?
AIRHEADS: Yes! And what do these giants amongst men have inside of them that allows them to rise to heights to which normal men can only aspire? Who is strong enough to don a hero’s uniform of a hooded sweatshirt, sunglasses, bandana, and mask? These are questions we must ask when we consider the noble deeds of Antifa across this nation. When the chips are down, whom can we count on? The police? Not unless we want 9mm slugs barreling into our chests. Can we call the local fire brigade in a time of crisis? Only if we want to be covered in pole grease and last night’s firehouse chili. When we Americans see an emergency or an injustice, we call for our modern-day Spartans, Antifa!
UNN: Bravo! Antifa seems almost as noble as our Founding Fathers!
AIRHEADS: Absolutely! America was not built by people who valued freedom and independence. America was built by a group of people who knew what was best for everyone and created a Bill of Rights to serve that purpose. The brave Antifa warriors are willing to fight anyone who challenges those rights (as long as they are senior citizens, women, solitary, unarmed males, and photojournalists who aren’t protecting themselves). Antifa has established itself as the moral authority in the United States, and we need to accept its authority and follow its directives.
UNN: Can our children learn from Antifa as well?
AIRHEADS: Yes sir! If you disagree with someone, you should always react violently, whether it’s by punching an unsuspecting political commentator in the face or by hurling large rocks at Conservative senior citizens. These are important lessons that American children won’t be taught in school or at home, so get your children out on the streets to help the cause. You may need to stay and assist your child, as children can’t carry heavy rocks very far and don’t usually have lighters for Molotov cocktails.
You, too, can get involved and help Antifa rid the United States of the Fascists who are currently abusing free speech. Here is how:
– Any seemingly Right-wing post on social media should be attacked and reported to Gulag Support so they can ban the offenders immediately with no reason given.
– Don’t buy bandanas or masks; leave those for our brave warriors.
– Confiscate by force any videos of Antifa activity that shows our brave heroes “interacting” the elderly, females, or journalists.
– Inform Antifa of any activity involving known Fascists and any protests where there are plans to disrupt traffic, public transport commuters, shoppers, or comedy fans.
With your help, Antifa can stamp out Fascists in America – violently.