Gold Coast, Australia – It was a crisp morning with a blue sky full of promise as Ambassador Admiral Harry Harris stumbled his way through about a dozen confused surfers and a small cadre of homeless vagrants onto the stage on Main Beach on Australia’s Gold Coast. Ambassador Harris was there to announce to the small crowd that the United States embassy was moving from the bleak nothingness that is Canberra in the Australian Capital District to the high rises, beaches, and drunken teenagers of the Gold Coast in Queensland.
When asked whether he could justify the estimated 345 million dollar cost to the American taxpayer, Ambassador Harris became belligerent. “Have you people ever been to Canberra? The benefit to taxpayers is that I don’t have to live in that hell hole anymore.” Onlookers were stunned, or coming down from methamphetamine highs – either way, there was silence on the beach apart from the crashing of waves. Arriving reporters began to furiously shout questions at the Ambassador about the move. The questions only seemed to aggravate Ambassador Harris, who began to point his finger at reporters as he spoke. “You people ever been to Canberra? Well it’s about as much fun as Flint, Michigan, in winter.” He didn’t finish there. “The United States Embassy needs to be somewhere I can take Japanese businessmen to get sushi and hookers at 3am and watch the sun come up over the ocean. I mean, if I’m going to be stuck in “South Canada” for four years, I’m not going to do it in Australia’s version of Omaha F**king Nebraska, F**k that.” Harris appeared to be under the influence of alcohol or illicit drugs during the speech and soon stumbled off the stage and into a 24-hour kebab shop.
Later, Harris’s personal assistant told UNN that Harris’s behavior was erratic at the event because Harris was suffering from sleep deprivation and a stomach bug, possibly brought on from ingesting raw fish. Harris’s behavior had been seen as extremely odd by the small crowd, but in true Australian style, one local surfer told UNN, “I don’t know who that bloke was, but I’d like to get legless with that Yank.”